The straight dude’s guide to ‘Brokeback’

4. Remember that it’s a western
And the script was adapted by none other than Total Dude Larry McMurtry. That guy is the coolest western writer in the country. He wrote “Lonesome Dove.” You love “Lonesome Dove.” In fact, the only problem with remembering that it’s a western is having to ignore the fact that most westerns are about 1000 percent gay. If you think I’m making that up, just go watch “Red River” again.

5. They’re tortured and you get to feel sorry for them
Just like in that Tom Hanks movie, these gay guys get kicked around a lot. It’s set in the 1960s and the characters played by Heath and AJ don’t even know they’re gay. They think they’re just regular straight guys who suddenly find themselves all turned on by each other and, honestly, don’t even really understand why they’re awash in yucky, hypnotic love feelings. Actually wait… you know what? Don’t think about that too much. Better if you just forget about the “why” of it all and start rooting for these underdogs. Pretend they’re like Sean Astin in “Rudy.”

6. Anne Hathaway, who plays AJ’s wife, gets topless. The End
I think it’s fair to report this and here’s why: as a gay man, the only reason I even agreed to sit through the really stupid remake of “The Longest Yard” was because one of my friends told me you get to see the wrestler Goldberg in the shower. In one scene. That’s it. I sat through the whole thing for one scene. In that respect, my hetero pals, we are all brothers deep inside — it’s just a different brand of naked flesh that ignites our prurience.

7. And finally, it’s just your turn
Really, it is, and you know it. Imagine how many thousands of hetero love stories gay people sit through in their lives. So you kind of owe us. Now get out there and watch those cowboys make out.

Dave White is the film critic for Movies.com and has a not-all-that-gay blog at www.livejournal.com/users/djmrswhite.

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