A perfect (destructive, codependent) match!
As you can see, Kellie and Mark are perfect for each other! That is, they're perfectly set up for destruction, for a codependent relationship that perpetuates, for both of them, the rage of generations, and the pain, self-hatred, and loneliness that comes with it.

When Mark attacked Kellie, his remarks didn't come as a surprise to her; they just echoed the messages she'd received as a child, the lies she's been telling herself all these years. By telling me she thought Mark was right in his criticisms of her, Kellie revealed her own unconscious belief that she's not as good as other women, and that she expected Mark to treat her badly. She thinks that's what she deserves.

When he lashed out at Kellie, her unconscious thoughts sounded something like this: "Gosh, I feel terrible about what he's saying, but who am I to think that he'd approve of me? I'll never be good enough for him. He finally found out how out how flawed I really am. I'm lucky he even bothers with me at all! I should be happy he wants to take me out to dinner instead of breaking up with me right here and now."

Kellie's introject — that is, the negative messages about herself that she got from her family — has warped her perceptions of herself and others to such an extent that she can't see the truth that's so obvious to the rest of us: that she's a lovely, completely loveable woman, and that her new boyfriend is nothing but a big bully!

Fortunately, Kellie didn't have to stay in the dark much longer, and you don't have to, either. You can escape from the rage of generations. Instead of passing that rage and pain on to your children, you can make sure the cycle of bullying and victimhood ends with you. Let's take our next step toward freedom right now, by learning to recognize the different types of bully and see them for who they really are.

How to identify bullies
Remember we've defined bullying as any repeated behavior that degrades, denigrates, and otherwise makes you feel badly about yourself, ranging from the most blatant insults to the subtlest criticism. What follows is a list of the most common bullies, with information about how they operate, and what makes them tick, and how they carry forward the rage of generations.

Not all bullies will match these behaviors exactly. Many will exhibit characteristics of different types at different times, or combine several at the same time. And of course you may have experienced bullying behaviors that aren't on this list (unhappy people are apparently endlessly creative about the ways they take their pain and fear out on others). The descriptions below will give you more information about the basic types of bully and the techniques they employ, but remember your best guide for identifying bullies is always your own intuition, that sick, sinking feeling in your gut that tells you something's not right.

Excerpted from "The Bully in Your Relationship" by Anne-Renée Testa. Copyright 2007 Anne-Renée Testa. Reprinted by permission of McGraw-Hill Publishers. All rights reserved.

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