The best and worst of 2003 TV

Some predicted that 2003 would see the slow death of the reality show. Tell that to Joe Millionaire. And the Osbournes. And Ally Hilfiger. And Paris Hilton, who not only had her own reality show, but got in trouble for her own real-life antics.

2003 also saw the end of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Dawson's Creek," the possible revival of "Survivor" with an excellent season in the Pearl Islands, a catchy new show called "Arrested Development," a sudsy new beach soap called "The O.C.," and much more. Here are our writers' picks for some of the bests and worsts of the '03 TV season.

Biggest loss: Joss. Just a few months after Fox pulled the plug on Joss Whedon’s struggling “Firefly,” fans of the auteur’s quirky characters and compelling genre tales were dealt another loss as Buffy staked her last ghoulie. Then slayer Eliza Dushku passed on a “Faith” spin-off, and for what, “Tru Calling”?  If Spike hadn’t migrated to the revamped “Angel,” Whedon fans looking for smart-but-biting drama would have found this TV season … pointless.    —Brian Bellmont

UPN Jolene Blalock in "Star Trek Enterprise."

Best near-death experience: When producers of UPN’s “Star Trek: Enterprise” heard the Grim Space Reaper calling the franchise’s name, the show went to red alert, upping the dramatic stakes, the Vulcan sex quotient, and, most importantly, the quality and emotion of stories. As a result, the show beamed up higher ratings – and earned a second chance to live long and prosper.   —B.B.

Most entertainingly treasonous act in primetime: On the Fox Network, the "Simpsons" episode "Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington" included a number of satirical jabs at Fox News, including a fake news crawl with such headlines as: "POINTLESS NEWS CRAWLS UP 37 PERCENT ... DO DEMOCRATS CAUSE CANCER? FIND OUT AT FOXNEWS.COM ... RUPERT MURDOCH: TERRIFIC DANCER ... DOW DOWN 5000 POINTS ... STUDY: 92 PERCENT OF DEMOCRATS ARE GAY ... JFK POSTHUMOUSLY JOINS REPUBLICAN PARTY ... OIL SLICKS FOUND TO KEEP SEALS YOUNG, SUPPLE ... DAN QUAYLE: AWESOME... ASHCROFT DECLARES BREAST OF CHICKEN SANDWICH "OBSCENE" ... HILLARY CLINTON EMBARRASSES SELF, NATION ... BIBLE SAYS JESUS FAVORED CAPITAL-GAINS CUT ... STAY TUNED FOR HANNITY AND IDIOT... ONLY DORKS WATCH CNN ... JIMMY CARTER: OLD, WRINKLY, USELESS... BRAD PITT + ALBERT EINSTEIN = DICK CHENEY ..."    —Wendell Wittler

Doug Benc / Getty Images file Jun Song, winner of "Big Brother 3."

Most artificial reality TV: "The Ex-Factor" on "Big Brother 4." Gee, what are the odds of the producers identifying both members of FIVE former couples among the people applying to be on the show -- and believing that there were only three other candidates in the whole country who'd be as good contestants as the 10 Exes?   —W.W.

Worst. Boss. Ever:  “When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question: ‘How would the Lone Ranger handle this?’” If you’re not tuning in to BBC America to see Ricky Gervais’ nuanced, pathetic, painful and - above all - hilarious performance as manager David Bent in the Britcom “The Office,” you’re missing the single funniest character on the tube.    —B.B.

Best cable channel: Trio lived up to its slogan ("Pop. Culture. TV.") with some of the most innovative retro programming out there. The channel let TIME TV critic Joel Stein program its schedule for one week, and his witty picks included "Battle of the Network Stars" and the deservedly short-lived "Pink Lady and Jeff." Then the network dubbed December "Awards Mania," which gave it an excuse to show the 1958 and 1983 Miss America Pageants; "Painted Babies," a documentary on child beauty pageants; the game show "Queen for a Day"; The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show and much more.    —Gael Fashingbauer Cooper

Kevin Winter / Getty Images Burton Roberts of "Survivor: Pearl Islands."

Biggest hypocrite: Burton Roberts on "Survivor: Pearl Islands." Kicked off once, Roberts got a second chance when the CBS reality show created an "Outcasts" tribe and allowed two ex-contestants to be voted back on to the island. He earned his Hypocrite title after he was voted off for the second time, when, in his final words, he chastisted contestant Lill Morris, saying "I hope you can live with yourself. We had an alliance, you broke it." His statement completely ignored the fact that, moments before, he had written down Lill's name to be voted out, thus also breaking their alliance. Hope you can live with yourself, Burton.    —G.F.C.

Brashest Breakup: Sydney and Vaughn, in the "Alias" second-season finale. Fans celebrated when heroine Sydney Bristow and her handler Michael Vaughn got together during the second season, but the banjo string of sexual tension can't be untwanged -- so how could J.J. Abrams and Co. keep things interesting?  Why, with a deus ex amnesia, of course!  In the last moments of the season-ender, Syd came to with two years of her life unaccounted for, and found Vaughn married -- but not to her. It's the kind of plot cheat a 10-year-old might write, but it's exactly the kind of deliriously illogical twist upon which the show has thrived. Fans squawked, but kept tuning in to see how the writers would get themselves out of this one.    —Sarah D. Bunting

Comedy Central Cartman and his J.Lo hand puppet on "South Park."

Best celebrity skewering: Skeptical about whether “South Park” has still got it? Look no further than the fearlessly brash episode “Fat Butt and Pancake Head,” which served up a delicious parody of couple du jour Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. Where else are you going to see Affleck popping the question to a J. Lo hand puppet, Cartman crooning á la Jenny from the Block, and Señor Wences getting some much-deserved props?  S'awright.  —B.B.

The 2003 Whoopi Goldberg Award for Media Ubiquity (award's namesake is not eligible or else she'd win every other year): To Steve Harvey, for hosting the WB's version of "Stupid Human Tricks," guest-starring in every sitcom that would have him, emceeing several awards shows, doing commercials for Burger King and GMC, and having secondary roles in "The Fighting Temptations" and "Love Don't Cost a Thing." All of which raises one question: How much did he pay Groucho Marx's estate for use of that mustache?    —W.W.

MTV Jaime Gleicher and Ally Hilfiger on "Rich Girls."

Most overplayed trend:  Putting the rich on display. It was funny when Ozzy fell out of the chair and couldn't properly replace his trash bag. The craze was starting to wane when a can of tuna mystified Jessica Simpson. And by the time Ally Hilfiger insisted her father invented cargo pants and Paris Hilton asked if Wal-Mart sold "wall stuff," this fad was as over as trucker hats.    —G.F.C.

Best quote: "If it’s a getting’ pregnant contest, yeah, they could probably win, but other than that, no." --Jon Dalton, dissing his female competition on "Survivor: Pearl Islands."     —G.F.C.

Most Brilliant Reality Show Satire: The reality genre is a big target, and yet there hadn't been a spot-on satire of the genre as a whole until Spike TV aired "The Joe Schmo Show." Matt Gould thought he was on a "Big Brother"-esque reality show called "Lap of Luxury." But all of the other contestants were actors, and all of the contests were rigged. The creators of the show nailed everything from the smarmy host to the raunchy competitions to the overly dramatic elimination ceremony. Everything was planned to be over-the-top, but not so far out that Gould might catch on, and it worked.    —Kim Reed

Joseph Viles / AP file Kevin James and Leah Rimini on "King of Queens."

Most incredible neighbor:  Now that newly slimmed Kevin James has lost weight, there’s only one hulk left on “King of Queens.” And even without the torn purple pants, he’s pretty incredible. Lou Ferrigno as Lou Ferrigno has us Hulk-green with envy at Doug and Carrie’s pumped-up celeb of a neighbor. Just don’t get him angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.    —B.B.

Biggest Violation of NAFTA: Suddenly, American versions of successful British television shows seem to be everywhere. It's not a new thing -- "All In The Family was an Americanized version of a British show, (as was "Three's Company"), but the trend really picked up steam with "Trading Spaces" ("Changing Rooms") and "What Not To Wear" ("What Not To Wear"), and then nearly fell apart with NBC's quickly-cancelled version of "Coupling." Next season, an American version of "The Office" will hit the airwaves. This begs two questions: Are network programmers really that hard up for new ideas? And why not just show the original British versions?    —K.R.

Most Satisfying Romantic Pairing: Joey and Pacey on "Dawson's Creek." After years of blithering, dithering, wounded looks, accusations of betrayal, and abuse of the word "soulmate," Joey dissed titular insufferable twerp…er, "hero" Dawson in favor of riding into the sunset with Pacey.  And not only had she chosen well, she'd chosen once and for all -- moments after the audience learned whom she'd selected, the curtain dropped on the show for the last time.    —S.D.B.

The WB / Reuters file Sarah Michelle Gellar, on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer."

Best way to close out a series (and a Hellmouth): The series finale of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", which thankfully did not involve killing off the title character (again), but did successfully destroy the entire town of Sunnydale, while freeing Buffy-verse Supreme Being Joss Whedon to do a makeover on spin-off series "Angel" that would make the Fab Five proud.    —W.W.

Unluckiest Cancellation: "Miracles" found a small but loyal audience as an ABC mid-season replacement by throwing a mix of urban legend, Catholic theology, the paranormal, and Skeet "Wait, Didn't He Die?" Ulrich at the wall and seeing what stuck.  Then the war in Iraq started, and with it the news-bulletin preemptions and time-slot shuffles.  ABC, in typically gun-shy fashion, killed the show quietly in April instead of planting it in one place and letting it grow an audience; several episodes remain unaired.    —S.D.B.

Most Overused Term: Embedded Reporter. Having nothing to do with printing presses, laminated press badges or 3-D headline graphics, but representing a potentially creepy level of cooperation between the media and the military that is spreading to other government/establishment entities. During the California wildfires of late October, some TV reporters following behind firemen called themselves "embedded."    —W.W.

Fred Prouser / Reuters file

Worst Overexposure: "The Osbournes." Pepsi commercials.  Madonna covers.  Talk shows.  Rehab.  In 2003, you couldn't swing an Osmond without hitting a member of the cussingest brood on basic cable. Just when you thought they'd finally heeded the "we can't miss you if you don't go away" dictum, Ozzy overturned his ATV and landed in the hospital -- and the headlines.  Again.          —S.D.B.

Best Example of Lightning in a Bottle: Even seasoned television veterans couldn't believe the numbers posted by the final episode of the first installment of "Joe Millionaire" and when FOX announced that they had plans for a second season, everyone had a theory about how FOX would pull it off. Was it filmed before the first one started airing (as was done with "Average Joe"), just in case the show was a hit? Would it feature a gay or lesbian twist, as many major media outlets reported? The announcement that the second installment would feature European women who hadn't heard of the first season was a letdown after months of guessing. It didn't help that the magic had worn off, and the show itself went from a guilty pleasure to a snorefest.     —K.R.

Worst Primetime Facial Hair: It's a tie, so the category has been subdivided into worst real facial hair and worst fake facial hair. Worst real facial hair goes to Noah Wyle of "ER," for his "there are no razors in Africa" horrific fringey beard. We hate to break it to Mr. Wyle, but while there was a time when he needed a beard to look older, that time has passed. Shave it. The worst fake facial hair had to belong to Jack Bristow (Victor Garber) on "Alias." Mr. Bristow put on a fake beard as part of his undercover spy duties, but viewers couldn't pay any attention to the plot, so captivated were they by his unintentionally hilarious gigantic bushy whiskers. While there are many plotlines on "Alias" that require the suspension of belief, the idea that anyone would believe that  Jack's fake beard was real was the worst example.   —K.R.

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