Readers' life-or-death decisions

Everyday, across the world, thousands of parents and spouses are forced to make life-and-death decisions about whether to let their loved ones live or die. After the world mourned the passing of Terri Schiavo, MSNBC.com asked readers to share their personal experiences and thousands sent in their stories. Here are a few:

You cannot begin to know
I was forced, 15 yrs. ago, to make this decision for my 27-year-old husband injured in an accident.  It is the most difficult and heart-wrenching decision I have ever had to make.  Until you've seen it yourself, you cannot begin to know.  Today, I am thankful I was able to make the decision I did, but this peace didn't come without years of pain.  My prayers are with Michael Schiavo and Terri's soul. 
—J.S.

Alive now with tube
My oldest daughter is alive due to a feeding tube that she has had since she was 15.  She would not be alive without that tube.  The question that we are facing is should we continue the feeding tube to prolong a life that is nonproductive (she is profoundly handicapped with a mentality of a 6-month-old).  She is very healthy and from what we can tell she is happy.  So why are we struggling with this question?  We realize that one day we will be in the same place as Terri's family and are trying to make the decision now instead of when things are dire.
—Jeanette, Del Rio, TX

Fighter from birth
I went into premature labor with twins, just six months along. I was sent home on total bed rest.  But the twins were still delivered two months early.  They spent a month or so in ICU and were fine.  Though, my little girl suffered related health problems.  About a year later, she was back in the hospital with what they thought was Meningitis; she had a fever at 110 degrees and seizures. Meningitis was rules out.

After two weeks in intensive care, doctors kept telling me to give her last rites and let her go.  She was in a constant daze and unresponsive.  They were keeping her alive by machines it seemed there wasn’t an inch of skin to touch! I had gone home to discuss things with the family for a change of scenery since I hadn’t left her side since. Then, I got a call from her nurse and she had pulled out of it. 

She made up her own mind that she wanted to fight. She is now nine-years-old and the biggest fighter you have ever seen.
—Gonzalez, Ft. Stewart, Ga.

Stroke at doctor’s office
My mom had a massive stroke at the Doctors office, of all places on February 15, 1995.  With the entire medical staff on hand they where able to revive her.  Unfortunately, she was deprived oxygen for too long and never regained consciousness.  Our mom was on a respirator long enough for my dad, brother, sister and I to say good-bye.  The respirator was disconnected February 18th, and she passed away on the 20th.  Our mother made it very clear to all us that if she was ever in that situation she would not wish to be kept alive in those circumstances. It was incredibly hard but we honored her wishes.  
—Randy Bella, Prince George, British Columbia, Canada 

Awesome responsibility
I had to make this decision for my father more than 15 years ago and for my mother almost three years ago.  It is a hard decision but both my parents and I sat at the dinner table and discussed specific things of this nature.  They repeatedly informed me that they did not want to be kept alive by artificial means.  It was really hard with my father to be alone in the room with him as he took his last breaths--I wanted to run out of the room and have them help him, but he kept me strong or the memory of our conversations as he held my hand and reminded me what his wishes were.  Mother was difficult as well because she had not opened her eyes in weeks and she was suffering so much for so many different reasons due to her health.  We are an extremely large family and she had so many concerns for us.  I remember telling her not to worry about us that we all discussed and we were leaving it up to the Lord to do his will.  She had been on a machine helping her breathe and that is when I signed for them to release her.  I loved both my parents dearly and still think of them but living artificially is not living.  We have to love them enough to let go.  We all need to take responsibility to have our wishes known in writing so others do not have this awesome responsibility to decide.
—Rosario, Calif.

Existing, not living
My mother suffered from Alzheimer's Disease and when the time came that she could no longer swallow, my sister and I made the decision to not put in a feeding tube. It was the hardest decision I have ever made.  With the Schiavo case, I find myself rethinking everything that happened five years ago. I do believe what we did was the best thing. My mother was not living, she was existing.  There is a large difference in those two terms. My sister and I felt that was no reason to prolong the inevitable. She had suffered enough. We wanted her to have peace. We took her home and had hospice help with her everyday.  They were wonderful. 
—Sue Howard, Doerun, Ga.

A heartbeat isn't life
We've had to make this decision three times -- twice for our parents and once for an aunt. Each decision was made after they had long, draining, terminal illnesses -- including the loss of consciousness for periods up to two months -- and with doctors' input. Although we are Catholics, and our church favors no removal of life support systems, we felt our aged loved ones were suffering and it was our duty to let them die so they would be free of suffering, united with God, at peace, and in the joy of eternal life. All of them would have agreed that when you are all-but-dead, you are in fact dead. A heartbeat isn't life. Life is when you can talk to your friends and family, be interested in things, read, write, think, enjoy yourself, know your children and grandchildren. Only in one case of our three relatives was there an advance directive letter, but in all cases, all the family members agreed about what to do. If there had been disagreement, if anyone had said, "No, don't," we would not have had the life support removed. Between parents and husband, as in the Schiavo case, although the law says the husband may decide, it would be best if he deferred in this case to the parents. We don't know what Terri Schiavo really wanted for her life support, but we do know for sure she would not want the people she loves most to be at war about it, with the whole nation in on their cruel accusations and attacks on each other. My heart aches for the family, and I pray for the end of their pain.
—Pat Smith, Chesterfield, Mo.

A second chance
Six years ago my mother had a stroke during surgery and was left brain dead, the experts test revealing that the brain cut off at the stem had zero chance for recovery. After several weeks on a respirator, my family decided to take our mother off and let nature take its course. Before this was done we had test after test expert after expert tell us zero chance for recovery. The day the respirator was removed, I was there along with my father and two brothers telling mom we loved her and saying goodbye, when out of nowhere, tears started running down from her closed eyes. At this point I knew she could hear us. Even though we were shocked and somewhat hopeful, the doctors were still very clear that my mother would die within days, as she was brain dead. We stayed next to my mother for hours then days and finally months with these results. My mother eventually woke up. Although paralyzed from the neck down, she could talk, she recognized everyone, learned to eat on her own, and laughed and cried with all of us for about one year until she died.
—Mark Shipley, New Albany, Ind.

Life truly prolonged
In 1982, my husband suddenly lost weight and was diagnosed with widely metastasized cancer. He was 37. The doctors said nothing could be done to save his life and that they'd discharge him from hospital without further treatment. I refused and insisted that he be treated. They brought in an oncologist who had treated young men with testicular cancer. He started a course of chemotherapy to "prolong" my husband's life. Four months later he agreed to an exploratory surgery, which showed the cancer was gone.  He's now 60 years old and has had years of happy and active living. I didn't know the first thing about cancer or chemotherapy. I wasn't making a religious decision.  I just knew that it was unfair to him to give up.
—Elizabeth, Vancouver, B.C.

Forcing life is cruel
Not long ago, my father, living many years with Parkinson's disease, finally became incapable of swallowing, similar to the condition of the Pope.  My father had left directions that he did not want any IV or feeding tube when that time came, and the Catholic nursing home where he lived abided by that choice of my father's - precisely the choice made by Terri Schiavo. Respect for life is respect for one's wishes.  The Church seemed to have no problem honoring my father's wants, and there was far less wrong with him than there was with Mrs. Schiavo.

It's terribly hard for all concerned when a loved one reaches the end days, but forcing someone to live artificially when he or she does not want that is cruel beyond measure.  My father died peacefully -- withdrawal of food and water is not a horrid way to die.  He had a wonderful life.  Thank God he had a peaceful and easy death.
—Elizabeth Sholes, Sacramento, Calif.

Comfortably numb
Twenty-five years ago, after an accident, my brother was said to have only brainstem function.  One neurologist, one opinion, one quick decision.  We took him off of life support, because we were told he would never recover. Eleven days went by without much response.  My sister and I, 19-years-old, played a radio for him anyway.  His favorite song came on, The Wall: "I have become comfortably numb."  Chills went up and down our spines and we watched a single tear trickle down his face.  His heart stopped the next morning.

I wanted to take him home and take care of him, but there was no way I could at 19.  When I look back at it now, there was nothing we could have done.  But that tear still haunts me.
—Lisa Klein, Plainview, Neb.

Former hospice worker
I made many medical decisions on behalf of my mother, an Alzheimer’s patient of six years.  I decided against putting her on a feeding tube after she stopped eating. I was with her constantly during the last four days of her life as she slipped into a coma and passed away before my eyes.  Since she was a former hospice worker, I knew that it was the right thing to do under the circumstances, and what she would have wanted even though she had not be able to speak for two years.  I honored her wishes even though it was the hardest thing I have ever done.  It is not about what the living want, but what the dying decide that matters.   And I do not believe she was ever in pain during this period.
—M.A.

Turning off life support
My father suffered a heart attack last month. His heart stopped several times on the way to the hospital and he stopped breathing when he was in the ER awaiting transfer to another hospital for treatment.  He was immediately incubated and we were told that he did not go without oxygen for long.  He was extremely unstable and on a respirator and at one point we did see he was trying to open his eyes.  However, as the next day progressed, it was increasingly unlikely that he would recover. Towards the end of the second day, the neurologist was called in and basic tests were done to determine his neurological status.  He had severe brain stem damage and he was unresponsive and would not recover.  His heart was very weak as well and it was put to us that he could pass at any time or he could last a few days to a week.  My mother stated that he would not want to be kept alive if there was no hope for him and the decision was made to take him off support.  It was a hard decision to make, but our family agreed it was the best choice.  We asked the nurse to page the doctor to turn off the life support, and as we waited for the doctor to come to the room, we prayed for our father. Suddenly, his blood pressure started to drop and he went quietly on his own before the doctor arrived.  Even though our father saved us the decision of having to take him off support, we knew it was the best course to take.  All I can say is that if you are in that situation, you will know what is the best thing to do.
—Anonymous