What took so long?

Let’s just hope he doesn’t celebrate by throwing a slumber party.

Then again, you never know with a celebrity.

Robert Blake probably went back to Vitello’s while packing heat. O.J. Simpson could have opened his own cutlery store and nobody would have blinked. It wouldn’t surprise me if Michael Jackson got into his jammies tonight and invited a Boy Scout troop over for a game of Twister.

A jury found Michael not guilty on all counts Monday. It’s impossible to look into the minds of the jurors to determine whether the King of Pop’s star power influenced their decision. I’m sure they’ll deny it did. I’m sure they’ll say how meticulously they scrutinized every shred of evidence and testimony, and how they followed the judge’s instructions to the letter.

But on one side you have an eccentric icon of American pop culture with a lonely upbringing who is suspended in a childlike state of oddball innocence. On the other is a mother who allowed her underage son to attend sleepovers with a middle-aged man and who has a history of scamming.

In retrospect, what took those jurors so long? Were they simply waiting to gather the courage to wade into the crowd of Michael’s devotees? I saw the lady letting the doves fly off after each “not guilty” verdict was read. If it were me, I would have barricaded myself inside the jury room until they gave me a police escort.

Nowhere but home
This was a silly waste of taxpayer dollars. This was a “Fleecing of California” on NBC Nightly News.

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The prosecutors thought they really had a career-making trophy this time. But they were so entranced by the unreliable mumbo-jumbo given to them by the accuser and his family that they failed to see the greater truth.

Michael wasn’t going anywhere except home.

Unless the prosecutors produced a videotape of Michael in flagrante delicto — i.e., Michael in bed with a boy, a llama and a soda can filled with wine — it was the accuser’s word against the reputation of one of the most famous men on the planet. If you polled the planet, the overwhelming majority would side with Michael because “Thriller” was such a great album and the accuser should kiss Michael’s behind for granting him an audience. Well, maybe not.

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